Regardless of how long I have been leading worship I still find myself constantly wondering if I am cut out for the task. My hurdle of late has been fear. Fear about saying the wrong thing, saying too much, saying too little, fear in general that I am missing the mark and potentially affecting someone experience of God.
Heavy I know but I think perhaps we all swing at times between moments of passion and confidence in what we are doing follows by moments of felt doubt.
After another long self analysing conversation with my husband about the way I had recently lead worship, feelings of fear and all of the potential options to resolve it, we ended up retiring to bed and I lay there still thinking. This same moutain that I was going around in my head was beginning to annoy me more than anything else. I was desperate for change.
On this particular night I believe that the Holy Spirit gave me insight into what was happening. A key to begin to unlock a new freedom.
The thought came: ‘Maybe I am just thinking too much about myself? Perhaps if I thought more about the people around me, our team, our congregation, my lack of confidence would not be such and issue? Maybe?’
On that note, I wonder how many of our struggles are self inflicted and exist in our minds only?
A few days later I was reading 1 Corinthians and as I read the truth of the words resonated with me deeply.
11 Don’t be so naive and self-confident. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence. 17 We don’t reduce Christ to what we are; he raises us to what he is.
23-24 Looking at it one way, you could say, “Anything goes. Because of God’s immense generosity and grace, we don’t have to dissect and scrutinise every action to see if it will pass muster.” But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well.
I was totally blown away. Many times over I have seen the Word bring the clarity that my heart is searching for. As I had thought, prayed, discussed and pondered I had begun to get a glimpse of what was wrong but there is nothing like the Word of God that brings it home loud and clear.
In relation to fear or a lack of confidence in an area we feel called to it was suddenly clear to see how our self confidence was wrapped up in what we do but our God confidence is wrapped up in who He is and who we are in Him.
And so today I feel thankful to be led by my God.
Sometimes the problem is not the problem at all.