Please note: this post is posting on Friday the 13th. I find this symbolic in many ways.
I do not like talking about boys on my blog. I’m all for mentioning great menswear fashion (hello, obsessed with bow ties), but when it comes to my personal relationships, I avoid all together. I do this for a few reasons. Number One: I am a terrible relationship person. Number Two: I need to keep some things private. Number Three: To respect the identity of others.
I get requests all the time to answer relationship questions and questions about who I’m dating and whatnot. This is the first time I’ve decided to really delve into the topic… and I hope it goes okay. I honestly won’t reveal too much information, but I’ll touch on some important topics.
Okay, so where to begin…. Texting… I am the worst. I never know what to say, I use far too many exclamation points, and I believe that emoticons speak for themselves. I never wait for •him• to text me first. (Sometimes I try… it never ends well.) I have to change certain names to “Do not text” and “Do not pick up” in order to prevent inevitable heartache. But here’s the thing… if I’m texting and/or talking to a guy on the phone it’s a good thing. I don’t really put a lot of effort into texting… unless I care! And if a guy gets scared off by my texting, he’d be WAY more scared by my regular crazies!
I have accumulated some Deal Breakers (capital letters required). Here are some of my Deal Breakers, in no particular order: Drugs (including non-prescribed “study drugs”), smoking, excessive drinking, laziness, being inconsiderate, treating other people poorly, extreme attentiveness during the middle of the night/lack of attentiveness when the sun is out. I really can’t tolerate any of these. Too picky? No, I consider these minor standards that (all) men should really meet.
Privacy is another tricky issue. I have learned (sadly more than once) that there is a difference between wanting to maintain privacy for privacy’s sake and wanting privacy as a defense mechanism. What I mean by that: I want a guy who WISHES he could tell every single person in the world that he’s with me… but chooses not to in order to maintain privacy. Rather, I have found that some guys want privacy because they don’t want ANYONE to know that they’re with me. Sorry, but what? That’s a major major major red flag. Here’s an example of a bad thing: “Um, don’t tweet that you’re here.” Or if they tell you to hide so a housemate doesn’t see you. Run away, and run away now. I’m all for not sharing information about relationships online, but I want a guy to want everyone to know.
Being open-minded is a motto that I try to carry with me at all times. I adopted it back in freshman year at Georgetown and it has stuck. I apply it to tons of different aspects of my life (career, school, friendships, personal, and relationships). When it comes to guys, I definitely do not have a type. As long as they don’t possess any of the aforementioned deal breakers, I will give just about anyone a chance. I don’t care how they dress (but seriously, I’m not so interested in their clothing) or where they’re from or their age or whatever. If they’re interested in me and I’m not creeped out by them… I’ll be open-minded.
Here’s something that I get caught up on all the time. I like normalcy. Don’t confuse this though… It’s not that I necessarily want someone to be completely mediocre (I am quite attracted to super driven guys… remember the laziness deal breaker). I just want them to at least act normal. If I wanted to date an encyclopedia, I’d date an encyclopedia. If I wanted to date a fortune cookie, I’d date a fortune cookie. (Have you ever talked to a guy that spews out fortune cookie worthy lines?) There is a time and a place to show off, but please don’t try to impress me. Honestly, if I like you, I’m impressed. No need to try too hard. This goes with dates too. There is nothing better than doing normal everyday things with a guy. You can learn a lot more about him this way and it’s much easier to see if you “click” walking around the aisles of a grocery store than over a stuffy dinner where you’re super anxious.
Know when and where to draw the line. Stopping when you really like someone but want to continue even though it’s not a healthy relationship… is hard. Like, really really really hard. Trusting that if it’s meant to work out, it will work out eventually… when the timing is better or when you’re older. Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not right. I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS lay out boundaries and rules before things get carried away. It’s something that is super uncomfortable to bring up in what seems like a non-appropriate situation. Trust me, it’s easier to talk about something when things are at a Zero then when they’re at a Ten.
BUT, don’t over think. I am The World’s Number One Over Thinker. I over think what I’m going to have for breakfast. You can only imagine how I over think relationships. Sometimes my over thinking completely sabotages potentially good relationships. Pretty sad. I’m doing my best to overcome this and to find a balance between being smart and trusting my heart.
At the end of the day:
Respect yourself.
Know yourself.
Believe in yourself.
It’ll all work out.
(Also, never ever ever settle.)
xoxo
PS When in doubt, find a (really good) girl friend to vent to. That is my number one sanity savior.
PPS Letdowns caused by boys are the worst. BUT in the big scheme of things, it is just going to be a little blip in the story of your life. Don’t let a (dumb) guy distract you from actually living your life (and dreams)!!!
love this post 🙂 love you! xo
This is a wonderful post and one that every girl should read! I have quite the list of deal breakers as well, but am lucky to have found my fiance who exceeded my "expectations". I like that you said you don't have a type.. because I never really did either. I really enjoyed reading this post!
loved it! read it at the right time – thanks!
Such a wonderful post. Couldnt have been said any better!!
loved this post! I agree with all your deal breakers! I need to be much more open minded an less picky about the "type" of guy that I want! I also suffer greatly from over thinking!
I completely agree with your deal breakers! ALL men should meet those standards.
This post was the story of my life in college. I promise when you get out of school, you will find someone great!!!!!!!
Couldn't have written a better post myself. I am the exact same way. I overthink everything and have a hard time trusting guys intentions which, looking back, has caused me to miss out on potential relationships. Thanks for sharing such a personal post 🙂
XO
Emmy
http://www.sprinklesoneverything.wordpress.com
Awh, love this! It's really such great advice to everyone! Your deal breakers are perfect. Completely agree 100%.
You hit everything right on the head, especially the deal breakers!
I really agree with everything you say Carly. I waited all through high school, and never even dated. I thought it would be the same through college, but I was wrong. I ended up meeting a guy my freshman year – and we're still together now almost 3 years later! I think because I waited, and looked for a really good guy, I got lucky. The good guys are out there! You just have to keep your standards high and wait patiently. You don't deserve anything less 🙂
This is so good!!! Thanks for sharing. Very validating 🙂
Pretty Little Things
Great advice! Totally agree with you about not over-thinking.
This is such a timely, excellent post, Carly! Thank you for such an honest piece – I'm struggling with similar issues. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who had to deal with the "privacy" section. Those are the worst, but they suck you in way too far. Also, Have you ever read The Rules?! I'd be curious as to your thoughts!
well written, Carly! You have such a talent! I certainly have an extremely detailed list of requirements as well. This is a must-read post!
Glad to know I'm not the only one who changes names in my phone to "Do Not Text Will Regret In Morning" 🙂
I am just reading this post now – funny because I just wrote a post on love/relationships at my blog… must be the case since Valentine's Day is fast approaching (one month!). 😉
~Kristen~
krisgris.blogspot.com 🙂
I loved the deal breakers! However, I have to admit that I also add poor dresser to the list! If a man does not respect himself enough to put effort into his attire then it reflects poorly on his entire persona.
This is a great post! Something I needed to read right now!