ON RAISING BOYS

I’ve hesitated writing this, but it’s something that keeps coming up as a common “fear” and I wanted to kind of talk about it. Probably once a day, someone sends me a message to say how glad they are to follow me because they just found out that they’re pregnant with a boy and feel disappointed and, more often than not, scared of the unknown. It’s also not uncommon to scroll through TikTok and see someone mention how they “feel bad” for moms who do gender reveals for baby boys. I’m in Facebook groups where moms-to-be share how sad they are that they won’t see their children when they’re adults because they’ll be the “dad’s side.”

I think there’s a lot to say about gender and what that means and doesn’t mean, but I hope you can forgive me for not touching on that in this particular post. Important conversations, but a different one than the one I want to touch on. And I also want to put the disclaimer here that this is all just my personal take. As always, I’m not an expert on really anything, I’m just sharing my personal thoughts here to the best of my ability.

Very early on in my first pregnancy, I had a gut feeling I was having a boy. I really panicked because it had never crossed my mind that I might have a boy. I walked through life as a girl and I have a sister. It felt natural that I, too, would have daughters. My mom is one of four girls and my dad’s two siblings are girls too. I also thought I would have an identical pregnancy/delivery as my mom– an emergency C-section for a 10-pound+ baby Carly– and it wasn’t until I was in the hospital about to deliver vaginally that, no, I’m experiencing my own experience. I digress, but the point here is that one of the biggest hurdles of motherhood, truly, is having to let go of expectations and control, and (!!!) dreams.

It’s the ultimate form of gambling. You don’t know what cards you’ll be dealt, how the game will unfold, and what the end result will be. You may even think it’s going to go one way and get handed a curveball that changes midway through the game.

A few things are probably a guarantee though, including the fact that every child is going to be their own person, no matter what. Identical twins raised by the same family at the same time sharing the same DNA are not the same person. To get gender normative, you could have a football loving boy and a tea party loving girl… or a boy who wants to sign up for dance class and a girl who doesn’t want to wear dresses. I believe the responsibility of the parent is to let your kid be themselves, even if it looks different than what you expected.

This was something I struggled to conceptualize until I became a parent myself. Well, I think it really started to become clearer to me as we entered toddlerhood when my son’s personality started cracking through the baby bubble. Previously my vision (and dream) of motherhood had been to have a mini-me who I could share all the things I loved about childhood with. The books, toys, and past times I loved. (Note, this was a very “me” centric way of thinking.) Then you have this little human creature who has their own set of interests and, well, that is the true joy. It sounds so trite and maybe it sounds like I’m just speaking in platitudes, but I really, truly mean it. Motherhood looks completely different than what I pictured– tea parties, coloring books, dolls, and hair bows– the motherhood reality I am in is is a more complete, fulfilling one.

I grew up being dragged to my sister’s softball and soccer tournaments and hated every second of it. I would not have believed you if you told me how much I would enjoy watching my child try to hit a squash ball with a racquet for 45 minutes straight or that I would get excited any time we walked by a garbage truck, school bus, or lawnmower. The magic in watching my child focus on something that so clearly excites him is beyond comprehension. It’s not the squash ball, it’s not the trucks. It’s quite simply his happiness that is the happiness.

My childhood experience was as a girl and my perspective on life is a woman. I take immense responsibility in raising a boy. It’s important to better understand the challenges a boy might face. I wouldn’t know everything about raising a girl, either, but I would at least be coming in with a little bit of background. I feel like I went into raising a boy with a clean slate, which in a way, is actually quite the gift. It’s not something I overly obsess over, as I wouldn’t consider that particularly helpful or healthy even, but it is something that’s in the back of my mind. I want to learn more and educate myself so I can be better equipped to raise my sons.

I recently read To Raise A Boy and it’s a book I’ll likely revisit every few years. It opened my eyes to issues boys face that I never would have even considered a possibility. It did make me worried in a way that I wasn’t before. However, I feel like having the knowledge is an important first step in being there for my children. (I also believe this is a book every one should read even if you’re not specifically raising a boy.) I will continue to learn and research– if you have any book/podcast/article recommendations, I’d love them. I am sure I will make mistakes and take missteps, as any parent would. I do feel determined to do my best though.

This post has been edited slightly after some personal reflection– thank you!