Baby’s due date is coming up so quickly…. Back in January and February when I spent most days working on the floor of my bathroom with morning sickness, August felt like eons away. Now it feels like a blink away. I have been so focused on just getting through each day, checking things off my pre-baby to-do list, and trying to get to a good place with work so I can slow down and take time off… that I haven’t had much time to think about all the post-delivery things. You know, like, when the baby is actually here.
Luckily, I have spent a lot of time around newborns, and babies, and kids from years and years of babysitting and nannying so I’m not scared of not knowing what to do exactly. But every day I definitely feel myself growing a little bit more anxious about parenthood. The stakes just feel so…. high!
photo by Georgie Morley
FEARS OF A FIRST-TIME-MOM-TO-BE
I mentioned on my Instagram story last week that I started therapy right at the end of my first trimester. The psychologist I see specializes in pregnancy/motherhood, life transitions, etc. It has been unbelievably helpful, especially now as I start to mentally prepare (as best as one really can, I guess) for the actual motherhood part.
(Side note: I got a LOT of questions about how to find a therapist. Honestly, it takes time to find the right fit. Beyond just searching to see who is in your insurance’s network, if you have coverage, you can use a website like Psychology Today. Google also works! The biggest tip I have is to go to the websites of doctors and see what their website says about them. Many list their specialities and even have blog posts for SEO reasons but that might clue you in to what they’re most helpful with. I think this is a crucial step to finding a good fit– you should match with someone who specializes in an area where you feel you need help.)
The list of things I need to do before baby has been dwindling and the list of things I’m anxious about once he’s here has been growing by the day. It’s also been helpful to navigate all of the fears that keep popping up. Therapy is definitely helping with that too– even just to say some of the fears out loud. Most are run of the mill fears and others are a little kookier, for sure. (I lost a night of sleep recently panicking about the fact that at some point we’ll have to teach him how to drive?!?! 🤣 I know we have plenty of time for that but the thoughts were spiraling.)
A few of the fears that have crept in and keep running in a loop in my head:
– I’m worried I might do something that “messes up” my kid
– The fact that he won’t be safely inside of me anymore…. (weird but it already makes me cry)
– What if I’m bored? Or what if I love it so much that I have no desire to work again?
– How will I balance caring for someone else, while also maintaining a sense of self?
– I have anxiety about generally knowing I’m not going to be able to control everything… I partially am ready to roll with the punches and partially terrified of that too!
And I think the overwhelming fear I have is…. there’s only so much you can do to prepare. Does anything really prepare you for parenthood??? I do feel like we’re just standing on a diving board waiting to dive in. We’ll just have to figure things out, take it one day/stage at a time, and (to quote Nike, haha) just do it?
This is a bit all over the place… just wanted to share some of my thoughts of where I am right now. Again, grateful for therapy 😉 and overall feeling excited…. but it’s still just a huge life change ahead!!!
Take a deep breath and enjoy the ride-all of it! Parenting is miraculous, messy, exhausting and rewarding. Try to be flexible and baby and you and hubby will learn together. Excited for you and thanks for sharing the adventure with us!
Thank you for sharing this. It is so hard right before you have your first child, and I think it’s important that more parents share their experiences – especially the challenging ones. I felt so many of these right before I had my daughter, and I am happy to report she is thriving. Your son will too, and you will be the best mom for him. Although, I haven’t gotten to the driving stage yet ;).
You’ll be great! Baby needs love, lots of cuddles, and someone there for them. You got this. One day at a time!
Thank you for always being so open with your readers! You are going to make a great mom! Can’t wait to follow along!
http://www.elspethsdaybyday.com
Shamelessly borrowing a quote from The West Wing because it totally applies here! “A monk once said, I don’t always know the right thing to do, God, but I think the fact that I want to please you pleases you.” In other words, the fact that you care so deeply and passionately about being a good parent is more than half the battle with any of these questions. Everything is going to be okay.
This! You’re going to be an amazing mom.
If you’re interested, the West Wing quote references this honest reflection from Thomas Merton: https://reflections.yale.edu/article/seize-day-vocation-calling-work/merton-prayer. 🙂
The thing that got me through my toughest baby parenting moment was realizing that all of the adults I know had parents that made it through the baby years. I don’t know why this helped me through those hours, days and years, but it did. And, once my babies were 16 getting their drivers licenses, I was wishing for baby problems and not teenage problems! Its a roller coaster ride for sure, but a wonderful time! Just take it day by day and ask for help when you need it.
The best thing I can say is that you’ll learn to release some control – because you will inevitably mess up your kid(s), you will absolutely be bored with them at times, you will absolutely question if you “should” work, you will absolutely lose your sense of self (especially in that first year or two), and you will worry about their safety for the rest of your life.
I think these things are just all parenting (and even more strongly mothering) but you can get through it and hopefully love the new person you are.
Thank you for your post! I am a mom to an 11 year old boy. I am sure your post will help other first time moms thinking the same things. Good luck and enjoy as much as you can!
All totally normal, especially when you struggle with anxiety anyways! (I do too! I had a chandelier with a dimmer installed in my nursery. The light would flicker when it was on the low settings and I literally sat up all night wondering if it would set the house on fire!) I felt very prepared and confident going into parenthood, but quickly came to realize there is no way to truly prepare. Once you have your baby “figured out,” they grow and change. Just breathe and try to relax. Schedules help with the little ones, but you WILL make mistakes and be frustrated. That is just the humbling side of parenting. The good news is that kids are resilient and before you know it, you will feel like a pro! It’s an incredible journey that changes the parents too.
You are going to be great! There is no better parent to your baby than you! Remember that when you (or someone) gets you questioning yourself!
You have a great guy by your side to help navigate being a parent. You two together will do a good job.
I had that same anxiety about my babies being safe while in the womb. I had to limit my news watching time so I wasn’t overwhelmed by all the things “out there.” It helped. My “babies” are now adults. Looking back I wish I would have given myself some grace. Throw the word “perfect” out the window. There is no such thing as perfection in parenthood. Read to them very early (I started at 3 mos.). Enjoy them every day while they are little. They grow so fast! You and Mike are going to be great parents! You got this!
We readers are rooting for you!
Hi Carly,
Wanted to request that you try to show some more “real” and raw fourth trimester moments on social media. I had my first baby in January and it was a really rough ride, partly I think because social media/instagram leads you to an idea of what it should be look. Of perfect nurseries and made beds and moms looking cute while taking care of a baby. For me, it wasn’t like this at all and I think it would have been at least somewhat easier had my expectations been different. I wish I had seen how difficult it is, how hormones are crazy, how the house would be a total mess, how I would be a total mess crying all the time and hooked up to a breast pump…you get the idea! Anyway, just something for you to consider. I wish more influencers would portray things a little more accurately! Anyway congrats on the baby! I can’t wait to follow your journey more. I’d been a reader for years.
Absolutely agree with you! Social media’s portrayal of newborn days made me feel like my baby and I were “not normal”! Talking to my 1st time mom-friends showed me that majority of women feel this way about unrealistic images. Showing real life doesn’t by any means diminish joys of parenthood. Hope to see realistic mom content from Carly (who I’ve been following since 2012) 🤍
Just wanted to say I love this and completely agree. I have a 6 month old, and was honestly so overwhelmed at first (especially having given birth during the worst of Covid and having no family support since we couldn’t see each other) and wondering how the other moms I follow on Instagram were so “together” with clean houses and perfect blowouts. Don’t let any of that scare you though – I’ve been following you for a very long time and can tell you are going to be great and that your little boy is so lucky! My baby got her 6 month shots yesterday and needed a lot of extra comfort, and it made me realize how nostalgic I actually already am for those snuggly early days – they go so fast!
Oh, how normal! Big HUGS!
You know, I think being a Parent is the most Terrifying and Joyful things imaginable. It’s because of the infinite love.
I relate so much to all of these, even 4 and 2 years in (respectively lol). You’re doing great and you guys are going to do great.
You will be great ,I’m sure. You should take care of yourself first ( mentally, physically, spiritually) and then your child will be in the best hands.
I wish you all the best for the delivery.
I, unfortunately, have nothing TRULY helpful to say other than those are all of the same fears I had while I was pregnant. You’re not alone! You’ll have lots of new feelings and fears when the little one is out and about…my best advice is to voice them. Not only to your husband, but find a mom tribe that you can confide in. They will always understand.
Don’t worry about any of that stuff. Savor every single second. My youngest is 2.5 and I regret not slowing down and taking in every second because I’ll never get it back. Right, wrong or indifferent…I’ll never get that time back. Savor it all!
I had my baby 10 Augusts ago and all of this feels so familiar. You will thrive. And it will be more fun than anyone has told you!
I’m due in December and your #1 and #2 fears are something that I think about all the time… Other mama friends have said they felt the same way with their first pregnancy so I think you & I will be just fine. I’ve loved walking through this big life change with you!!!
Xo
You are going to be such a great mom! I feel like you were MADE to be a mother!