Earlier this summer I had sent a friend a list of all the things I was doing and that I was utterly exhausted. I shared it to Instagram…
Someone snarkily messaged me back saying, “imagine being stressed out about meditating.” And the thing is…. I’m not stressed out by these things. I’m overcome with the urge every day to want to do everything! Honestly in an ideal world I would have thirty minutes to meditate every morning and, I guess I could wake up an hour earlier, but I also want to read books (the list of books I want to read grows every day) and I want to needlepoint (it is my favorite way to unwind every day). I wish I had time for longer work outs and time for a two mile walk every day. As much as I love practicing Spanish with Duolingo every morning, I eventually would love to do an in-person tutoring or immersion program at some point. I would love to do more sewing and see what other kinds of creative endeavors I might enjoy.
I love my hobbies. I love my job. And I really love being a mom.
I am also really tired, but it’s a good kind of tired? It’s a kind of tired where I collapse into bed every night knowing I did my very best. That I gave everything I possibly had to give to my children. That I carved out time for myself with reading, and working out, and needlepointing. That my house didn’t completely fall apart (though sometimes it does take a few days for the laundry to get folded). I am pouring myself into others, yes, but I’m also committed to keeping my own cup filled too.
There will be more time down the road for more things, but I do fear it will never be quite enough. Ultimately, I’ve been thinking, that’s a good thing. Maybe? Like I think that it’s a good thing that there are a hundred things I want to try and explore outside of my work related responsibilities and even my motherhood responsibilities. While I’m currently nursing a baby around the clock and keeping a toddler entertained and safe, it’s hard to imagine that there will be a time in my life not consumed by my role as mom. I have also fallen victim in the past by being consumed with my job and making that my entire identity. Having all these things that I’m interested in and excited for motivates me to get moving in the morning and gives me something to look forward to at the end of every night. It gives me a better sense of my own identity outside of the roles and responsibilities I have in this stage of life. I hope that my list never stops growing and evolving over time!
I feel this! Although, I’m not a mom, i do try to have a balance of work, hobbies, family time , friend time and putting time into my relationship and it can definitely be a lot. It’s truly all about balance, thank you for sharing your thoughts on it too!
http://www.elspethsdaybyday.com
I’m not sure it helps, but I admire you a lot for all the things you do, you are such an inspiration ! I understand it must be overwhelming from time to time, but looking back you will be proud of your achievements!
Hi Carly!
I know exactly what you’re talking about! I hate having nothing to do and there are so many things I love to do on top of all that’s happening and going on, too.
Anyway, one thing I wanted to say is, that meditation doesn’t necessarily need to be “sit and do nothing” – a certain activity can be meditative. It’s likely that for you (as in, your brain, neurologically), needlepoint is as meditative as traditional meditation, especially if you find yourself unwinding doing it – so I guess consider that and see if when you shorten your meditation (I’d say skip but you’ve got a pretty good record going on!) and only do needlework, you feel any difference.
Also, I’m voting for us, hard-on-ourselves girlies, an airplane day or a rotting day once in a while (every month? Or three?) when we do nothing or less is not criminal and our streaks don’t get reset.
Love, Kate.
As a work-outside-the-home mom, this post feels out of touch to me. For moms like me, “doing it all” means trying to fit in work for an employer that requires you to be in the office on a set schedule, 1-2 hour commuting, child drop off and pick up, cooking dinner, clean up, trying to actually spend a few precious minutes with our kids before bedtime, then more clean up and prepping for the next day. Not to mention anything outside of that to actually grow our careers. Most of us don’t have the privilege of making our own schedules or a partner that has months of parental leave and likes to cook.
No matter your situation, being a mom is hard. Stay at home moms, work from home moms, and work outside the home moms all have their unique challenges and struggles. But no matter your situation, for most of us moms, there simply isn’t time to fit in a quarter of the fun, personal-time things you listed. If you have time for those things and enjoy them, that’s great for you. But please realize that isn’t the reality for most of us. We can’t all be TikTokers or Instragrammers whose entire life revolves around making unachievable daily routine videos.
Agreed– it’s going to look different for everyone. Right now I’m mostly in mom-mode, working during nap times and after bedtime and carving out a few minutes in the morning and after working to do the “fun” stuff. My post was more saying I am fitting in as much as possible in a day, but that I think I’ll always want to explore new hobbies and creative ventures when/where I can.
I’ve been following and enjoying your content for years, but I do have to say I fully agree with how out of touch this post is for most people, whether working moms or stay at home moms. Personally, as a work outside the home mom, I fully agree that it’s not the reality for most full-time working moms (whether working from home or working in an office). I know you work only part time and at home, so I understand it’s different. But these types of post give others “influencer fatigue” that your life is so out of touch compared to real working people.
It’s truly wonderful that you have so many hobbies and really enjoy lots of personal down time on a daily basis. That’s amazing! That sounds really incredible. I also really enjoy reading, cooking / baking, working out but realistically that looks like maybe cooking a 1 “fun” recipe/treat a week, maybe getting in ~15 minutes of reading a day, if possible, and working out 1-2 days per week, if I’m lucky (most weeks 1x/week) And I actually LOVE those activities. They recharge me, they destress me, they give me joy. But this is just tone deaf to make it look like “working” moms can achieve anything even close to this or that if you have real interest you just make time for it, when your “working” is fundamentally different than probably 95% of other working moms, whether hours-wise, flexibility/schedule, location, demand/stress/workload, etc. I really enjoy your content but to make it sound like you’re a “working” mom like others, is just not true. I think it’s helpful to keep that in perspective. Again, I’m a long-time follower and really enjoy your unique content, hobbies/interests, posts, recommendations, etc., I stand by you and your strong values, you seem like an amazing, present, loving mom, but just please remember the optics of how posts / stories / etc. like this look like to the vast majority of people.
I’m sorry the post didn’t resonate with you- I am working part time (if that) right now. It’s just not the season of life I’m in right now– I’m in mom-mode first and foremost right now and I thought I had made that clear in the post. (But I also don’t think I can claim the title of SAHM either as I am working and need childcare part time in the form of daycare.) But as the title suggests, I wantto do it all (and then some) and as the post describes, I know I just don’t have the time right now to do it.
Ma’am you don’t need child care bc you aren’t a working mom .. you spend half the time frolicking around your house while you needlepoint or “popping” into cafes and local shops. You play pickle ball when working moms are actually at work. You play the wealthy white woman very well .. just own it.
I have a job and work part time right now but okay 🤷🏻♀️
I’m sorry but if you are able to do all of this stuff and even work part time you aren’t really working. All this seems like a humble brag bc you do “all the things”. As the previous posters stated – so out of touch.
if believing that helps you feel better about your life… okay!
All of your worries are champagne problems. This post isn’t giving what you think it’s giving. It reeks with privilege. You are not a working mom. Period. No one has this much free time and actually works. You crank out mediocre content that is usually just a dump of links for clicks. Nothing original, nothing new, it’s un relatable to actual working moms.
It’s okay to not do it all. I love to meditate, read, do yoga, and cook/bake. Those things don’t happen every day like they did before having my son. Sometimes they don’t even happen every week (especially the yoga…). I had to make room in my life for my son and that meant losing personal time. There are days I still struggle with that loss and feel like I have lost part of my identity. I think you are right that you need hobbies and habits that make you feel you. But trying to squeeze in too much of a good thing is still exhausting. It’s a balance and looks different for everyone. I’ve not got it figured it out myself, but right now, simplifying life and habits is what I need to feel rested and that’s what makes me feel most like myself, above any hobbies and habits.
PS – Another commenter mentioned a book by Laura Vanderkam. I don’t agree with everything she writes, but I still find some helpful ideas in her books, especially Tranquility by Tuesday. One of her “rules” is three times a week is a habit. That idea has helped me to let go of some of my perfectionism about habits. My inner perfectionist says if I don’t do a habit every day, I’m failing. But I’m trying to rewrite that story in my head, accepting that if I manage to do a habit three times a week, I am still doing my habit regularly and that’s a win right now in my book!
PPS – You are also still only six months postpartum. Things will change as Rory gets older. Between my son not sleeping at night, work, and severe PPD, I was a disaster at six-months postpartum. You seem like you are doing a lot better than I was but I know it’s not always obvious when people are struggling. But if things are rough postpartum, just know you aren’t alone, you’re a good mom, and it gets better. ❤️
I’m in the same boat as you, Sarah, in terms of being a working-outside-the-house mom, but I still don’t feel like this post is “out of touch” because I never interpreted this as Carly telling us that WE should all do these things. It’s her blog writing about her life. If she were to say that all moms need to do everything she listed, then yes, totally out of touch. But it feels like your annoyance is a little misplaced.
I agree with Joy. I don’t really think it’s helpful or healthy to devalue the work (whether being a mom or being a blogger) of others and fall into the comparison game.
Long time follower, infrequent poster 😉
I couldn’t relate to a post more in my life. It’s SO hard when we want to do it all and we just literally cannot. I also own my own business, have a 13 month old and am in the middle of an international move. I’m exhausted but I also miss so many things that I wish or want to be doing and just simply do not have time, energy or resources to do right now!
I love your perspective about it being a “not right now” thing, versus a “no” thing. I’ll be bookmarking this and reading it often. Thank you for this post!
As a working mama of 3 kiddos 5 and under I feel this deeply! I loved the book “I know how she does it” talking about how mamas found time to do the things that were important to them- it gave me consolation when I had my second. But its constantly a tightrope walk and realigning with the current season of marriage, work, kiddos, etc. Grateful to have so much and trying to steward it well! Thanks for your vulnerability <3
Hi Carly!
I’m inspired by your list! I also want to add sewing and gardening to my hobbies as well as knitting and running…but none of these have been done in months! My first son is about to turn one and we are expecting our second son in early March. I also teach full time and have a side hustle after school, so it’s definitely a challenge. I’m hopeful I’ll hit a stride in a different season where I have more time to devote to all the things that light me up in addition to my little boys!
so recognizable! thanks for sharing this.
Do you have bookbrecommendations for bringing up boys?
I shared my fave parenting books here (regardless of gender), but it includes a great book specifically about boys too: https://carlyriordan.com/parenting-styles.html
“That literally no one is forcing me to do”. This is SO relatable. Even the little things that take mere minutes to complete (Duolingo, meditating/breath work, even putting on moisturizer lol) are still just one more thing that adds to my ever growing list of daily goals/habits that I want to achieve. But I’m the only one expecting all these things from myself, and I am the only one that feels let down when I don’t measure up. I appreciate seeing that someone I look up to and admire as both a mom and a woman also feels overwhelmed by self-imposed expectations! It’s definitely one of those “seeing behind the curtain” moments, realizing that the people who seem to do it all maybe don’t do it all? And still so inspiring to see how hard you work to keep up with varying responsibilities to others, but also to yourself!
I very much relate to this as a full-time working mom who commutes 3 days a week and has three kids (my youngest is the same age as Jack, plus a 7yo and a 10yo). I like being busy and I *want* to read a lot, work out 5x a week, be active in the PTA, watch all of Bravo’s finest offerings, decorate/redecorate my house, plus my job and my relationships and be a great mom! My biggest tips to fit in hobbies are (1) some is better than nothing // done is better than perfect and (2) using downtime during parenting tasks that don’t involve my direct interaction for hobbies vs mindless scrolling. For the second, I mean things like nursing a baby or sitting at my oldest’s 9 million sports practices. I have a 615-day Kindle streak going and that is largely because, although I generally read for 15-30 minutes each night before bed, I also fit in a few minutes here and there when I can, whether it’s when I was nursing my baby 5x a day — maybe not every session, but at least a few day; for the first 20 minutes of my son’s basketball practice, before I start socializing or they scrimmage and I want to watch; in the pickup line at school. Is reading on my phone in 10-minute spurts my favorite way to do it? No, but it still facilitates getting to do my favorite hobby (reading), so it’s better than not doing it at all!
Oh! This is so relatable. Thank you for sharing in the struggle and helping others see that it is ok to just try your best!!