9 Things No One Tells You About Friendship

The other day Maxie and I had a very long-overdue chat on Skype. We hadn’t properly caught up for a while, and we only hung up two hours later when I desperately needed to get something to eat. After we Skyped, I felt like a million bucks. I felt like my heart had inflated at least two sizes. I love that she wrote this post this week in particular. When I talked about turning 27 and figuring out the values that were really important to me, great friendships are at the very top of the list.


9 Things No One Tells You About Friendship

Guest post by Maxie McCoy

There’s this notion when we’re young that friendships look a certain way. It’s about besties with friendship bracelets, lots of tags on Facebook, and non-stop sleepovers turned days. Those moments of youthful friendship are lovely, but they don’t prepare you for the uncharted territory of what friendship looks like as you grow older. Around high school and beyond… things start to change.

I believe with utmost certainty that friendships are one of the most special experiences of our lives. While we live in a culture that romanticizes partnership (which is fabulous too), having strong friendships is suchhhh a beautiful gift. And woah, did you know that people who have really strong friendships live longer than people who don’t? So science is with me on this one: deep friendships elevate the experience of our lives.

One of the secrets to great friendships, however, is knowing what to expect really. There’re some truths to friendships that I wish I had known way earlier and that I wish people talked about more. So, in an effort for everyone to have beautifully fulfilling besties, I’m pulling those truths together:

Long-distance friendships work…
I know there’s a lot of crap out there about long-distance anything, but some of the most uplifting relationships in your life you may never live in the same city as. Don’t rule out investing in these people as much as the ones down the street. My relationship with Carly is a fantastic example of this #dontknowwhatiddowithouther

Videos can be a friendship life-saver…
You know when you do that thing where you avoid calling your best friends because it’s been so long that there’s so much to talk about. And you feel like you don’t have two hours, so you keep not calling. Well, Snapchat and texted videos can close that gap of love until you get the time to call. It seems silly, but it’s true. Sometimes a little 10-second Facetime is all we need to feel closer to each other.

(Note from Carly: Maxie sent me THE cutest video text on my birthday and it literally made my entire day. I couldn’t stop smiling.)

Making new friends is work…
In school, friends just show up. As you get older, you might find yourself needing to think about and investing in making new friends. It feels weird to approach it that way, and there’s a lot of stigma about acknowledging the need to make new friends. If this is you, I created this guide for how to make more meaningful connections, which I think you’ll dig.

Not all friendships are forever…
I’ve written about this harsh truth for you all before, but knowing it will make you way more prepared when it’s happening. Sometimes you outgrow friendships. And sometimes friends will outgrow you. It’ll be as painful as a breakup, but it’s part of the journey of life everyone goes through.

You don’t have to like their boyfriends, wives, or partners…
As you grow up, people start to naturally couple. I remember getting freaked out and worked up when I didn’t like the people my besties were dating and marrying. Until I realized, it’s not my choice nor is it my place to care. It doesn’t have to be a friendship breaker unless you let it. Don’t like their person? Keep a 1:1 relationship with your friend then.

You’ll take your friendships for granted…
You will. We all do. Sadly until it’s too late. One of your best friends will move towns or move countries, and you’ll be upset you didn’t fully appreciate the time while they were near. Use it as a lesson to be grateful for each and every moment you have with your friends.

Jealousy will rear its ugly head…
You might get jealous of your friends. You’ll see their amazing new apartment, or look at cute pictures of their puppy, or hear about how much money they’re making and you’ll feel the pangs of jealousy. It doesn’t make you a terrible friend! You just need to a) not act on your jealousy and b) reframe it as an outward projection of your desires. That jealousy has nothing to do with your friend and everything to do with your potential… so it’s time to start acting on it!

Disagreeing with your friends is valuable…
A diversity of opinion is always a good thing. You don’t have to be on the same page with your friends all of the time. You can disagree and quarrel about issues big and small. As long as you keep an open mind, your perspective is going to be better because of it.

Each friendship is different…
Your approach to friendship needs to look different depending on the person. Some friends will want to be in contact with you every week while others could go months without hearing from you and it’d be fine. Recognize that each of your friendships is different and customize those friendships for what they need.

Friendship truth bombs have been dropped! Keep all of this in mind for a better understanding of your friendships. And whether you’re looking to deepen existing friendships or want new ones, this 5-step guide to more meaningful connections can help!

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Wonderful post! Just had a 45 minute phone call yesterday with a long distance friend and it made my entire day! We make go months and months without talking, but shew, once conversation and all is right with the world again. 🙂

Alyssa J Freitas

I so struggle with how friendships change and find myself being resistant or saddened by it. It’s good to hear that others experience this and that it’s natural; not something to fear!


A lot of these are so true and things I wish I had picked up on a lot earlier in life. Especially how each friendship is different. I used to get caught up on whether people were more or less my friends based on arbitrary factors and comparing the relationships. Now I recognize every friendship is different and embrace it.



I’m 31 now and can say with certainty that the struggle to make meaningful friendships is real. Everyone is at such different stages in their life and it can be really hard to make it past initial introductions with people. What I would give to have a few really close friendships in my life right now!