A Lesson Learned in Vulnerability

I found myself in a meeting the other day that had a surprising outcome. I went in expecting to help this company with a few things and then we ended up sitting there just… talking. Don’t you just love it when you truly connect with the right person at the right time?

One of the things that’s really taken hold of me, especially this summer, is this idea of vulnerability. (Of course, I wrote about it before, but I guess it hasn’t completely sunk in still!) This was a major point of the discussion we had during that meeting.

You see, I have this perpetual fear of being caught “off.” As if there is a switch inside of me that determines when I am “on” and when I am “off.” To be seen “off” in public seemed like the worst thing in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I love when readers come up to me on the subway or in stores or on the sidewalk; it’s always amazing to know that real people actually read this blog. But there was one time someone tweeted a picture of me in running shorts and I was really upset. Ever since that night, I’ve been paranoid about being caught “off.” And it goes beyond how I’m dressed or what my hair looks like… I’m constantly afraid that if I’m having a bad day and I’m not 100% friendly to someone and they turn out to be a reader… what would that mean?

Honestly? I guess it means that I’m human. And I am. Not only is that an okay thing, it’s a good thing. I think being vulnerable is what really makes us all human at the end of the day. No one is perfect and in some weird, twisted way there is beauty in that global imperfection.

The risks of not being vulnerable far outweigh the risks when you are vulnerable.

I read a book this summer about wolves– Jodi Picoult’s Lone Wolf. I learned a weird amount about wolves from that book, more than I ever really imagined that I would know. Wolves will lie down and expose their bellies (which are largely unprotected) to each other to demonstrate trust and loyalty. They are vulnerable.

It seems counterintuitive, right? Vulnerability as a strength seems like the ultimate oxymoron. But that display of weakness is actually the biggest strength of all. It holds the biggest risks and can lead to the biggest rewards.

Back to the conversation I had with my friend. I was in a HUGE place of vulnerability. I shared (because I knew she and her friends went through similar) how I was beginning to feel like I was retreating from the world. I wasn’t… opening up to anyone. I was doing the opposite- completely closing myself off. This was affecting every aspect of my life. Work, social, and intimate relationships.

I was, for lack of a better word, paranoid. Paranoid of seeing people and being “off,” paranoid of saying anything to friends and being hurt, paranoid about being used for College Prepster. But the more we talked about it, the more we (I needed help here!) realized that all of the above HAD happened. There were pictures of me circulating on Twitter in running shorts. I had told things to friends that ended up being used as ammunition in a gossip ring (apparently we’re in high school still…). And I was seriously used by people I trusted for “social influence.”

And I survived. And it really didn’t matter.

What mattered was that I had shut off this “vulnerability” button. In doing so, I had shut myself off from meaningful relationships and shut myself off from enjoying the amazing benefits of risks and shut myself off from really being happy.

I flatlined on the emotions for a while, which led to a decline in emotion since my life was devoid of the positive feelings.

It’s scary, but worth it.

I’ve already been opening myself up more and feel incredibly liberated. My (true) friendships are stronger than ever. I’ve found myself in a really wonderful relationship (thing? how are these things defined nowadays anyway?). And… I’m digging into an exciting project for work.

Have you ever held back out of fear of being too vulnerable?


xoxo

PS Everyone should watch this….

PPS Here’s a hint of the new project 😉