This post is going to seem a little rambly. To be honest, it’s been on my mind for a while (at least six months) and now it definitely feels like it’s coming to a head.
I have been trying to figure out the Why. Not just “the why” but my Why. I think I had a little bit of a mid-life “awakening” after turning 30. I don’t want to say crisis because it wasn’t a negative thing at all. I was relieved to hit thirty and have my twenties behind me. I felt like I had laid the groundwork for the most part and made the mistakes I was supposed to make and did the work I was supposed to do to get to a pretty good place. I like where my life is at right now. Most importantly, I like myself, which I haven’t always been able to say.
Maybe it’s just me but I actually feel slightly unsettled feeling settled. Even though I like where I am now, I still want to make sure I’m working towards the life I want… forever, not just now. There does seem to be a bit more calmness of figuring this out at 30 than I felt at 20 and at the same time time the stakes feel higher?
Like I don’t feel like decisions are being thrown at me every week (what do you want to major in? where will you intern? what do you want to be when you grow up? where do you want to live?)… but the decisions I am making feel monumental (am I happy with this career? when to start trying for kids? am I living a meaningful life?)
And that’s where my Why comes in. I keep coming back to that for every life question I have. Even though it’s such a simple question, I think it’s one of the hardest to answer. It can’t be answered quickly either– I’ve been mulling over a lot. Sometimes feeling confident, sometimes feeling less confident. COVID and quarantine in a way forced me to spend more time consciously thinking about the Why in a lot of areas of life.