One thing that’s great about working in an office full of women, we’re all on the same page when it comes to certain things. Dating, for instance, is something we all agree with. Those in relationships remark that they’re happy they don’t have to deal with dating and those that are single-and-ready-to-mingle always seem to have battle scars and horror stories to discuss every day over lunch.
This week, we’ve been passing around a copy of British Vogue to all read this article written by Hadley Freeman. It’s called “Single Minded.” (See if you can get your hands on a copy of it or you can download the July Vogue App!)
It is a refreshing read.
Even though I only touch on my dating life from time to time it’s actually kind of a big part of my life. Since moving to NYC, I’ve done the drinksafterwork thing, walked out on a terrible date, been set up by friends, had a dinner that didn’t even get through ordering food (mutually decided upon), rekindled old flings, and maybe only once was there actually something there with someone.
We met in a business meeting (shhh…) and started talking a little bit and eventually went out to dinner. I would be absolutely lying if I was smitten after the first five minutes. (The first four minutes, were a blur of anxiety and nerves!) But he was so sweet! And funny. And okay with my craziness. (My only dating tip that I feel like I’m qualified enough to give out: Always be yourself upfront and without reservations. Don’t hold back.)
Somehow it worked even though we’re super different. It was honestly the first time (ever?) where I felt genuinely excited about dating in general. Spontaneous plans went from being something I typically dreaded to something that I was thoroughly giddy about. He was fine with the fact that when I told him I was making dinner I was actually ordering from Seamless. He was fine with the fact that I talk super fast when I get overly excited. He was fine with the fact that I am super particular about things in my apartment. (Oh, and I was fine with the fact that he lives in Brooklyn.)
But somewhere between travel schedules and work events and job promotions (literally within a week of each other) and commitments with our friends… it just fizzled. And not in a depressing way (although maybe it was a little disappointing?), it just happened. Mutually.
We were gchatting the other day and the “What actually happened…” conversation came up.
What happened? We didn’t prioritize each other. We both prioritized our careers.
It’s weird because as I watch my other friends fall into relationships, I think that that’s what I want. But maybe it’s not actually what I want. It’s what I’m told (from movies and television and Society and friends and family members and that tiny voice in the back of my head) to want.
And maybe we’re told that we shouldn’t just want it… we need it.
But do we?
The “Single Minded” article was the first time where I’d really been forced to think about what I wanted and what I needed.
What I’ve briefly constructed in my head so far is that I would like to ultimately have a family, but I don’t want to be so focused on it-absolutely-has-to-happen-or-my-life-has-no-real-meaning. Because my life is and will continue to be meaningful with or without a significant other.
… and I’m young and learning and growing. And, bottom line, it’s okay to not prioritize that right now.
xoxo
PS I’ve marked her book The Meaning of Sunglasses: And a Guide to Almost All Things Fashionable as to-read!
I do think there is a lot of pressure on the need to find someone, and not just to find someone but to find the prince and find him right away. I shouldn't think weather your in a relationship or not should affect your happiness completely. I think you've taken a good attitude on this and it's something that young girls everywhere need to realize.
Mana
Fashion and Happy Things
Thanks. I needed this! lol
I've been dealing with a lot of crap lately and this is just what I needed to hear.
This post could not have come at a more better time!
"Because my life is and will continue to be meaningful with or without a significant other."
This is exactly what I've talked about endlessly with my friends. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we've been together for the longest time, but it just happened, I never went looking for a boyfriend. You have to live your life to its full potential. If you happen to find someone with whom you can share your life, that's the cherry on top. And I actually think you can't really be happy in a relationship if you are not already happy with what you are.
Sorry for the long comment, but you are so spot on! My friends don't agree with this and it makes me a little crazy, oops!
Thanks for writing this post! And everything you said is exactly true. I am in the same boat as you. I don't necessarily want a boyfriend at this time in my life, but at the same time it would be nice. I'm not out here to look for one at this stage in my life, but whatever happens, happens. Regardless, as you said, my life is and will continue to be meaningful.
Xoxo,
Christine
This is one of my favorite posts you've ever written. While I'm not exactly a single girl right now, I think these thoughts ring true with all women, whether single or dating. Great job Carly!
I should read that article because I am a marriage, parenting, relationship and life coach and I get a lot of clients on the other end of the spectrum. They spent their 20's really focused on their career and then in their 30's when they were ready to meet someone…most good people were already married. I am not saying that there is one right way at all. I am just saying that young people need to be open to relationships whenever they may happen because sometimes the perfect person comes along and we are too busy to see it. Then it it too late. The Defining Decade is a GREAT book about your 20's. I highly recommend it.
You are a smart, witty and beautiful person and I know you will meet an equally fabulous person when it is meant to be. I just hope you are open to that when it happens even if you are busy building your career. I had my PhD by 25 and quite a research, writing and university career going but NOTHING in life has been as rewarding or as important and my husband and my kids…not by a long shot!
Sorry for the long comment but this struck a chord even with me and I've been married a long time.
Hugs,
Kim
I can completely relate to the pressures put on you by the world around us to "have a man by your side." It's almost taboo to be always "single" these days. Like career women are doing it wrong. If someone isn't as passionate about their work as I am, there is a good chance I'm not interested. So that makes dating difficult. This isn't our grandparents world where we need a man to "support" us. Women are making their own money and their own paths these days and I think it's great!
More power to ya, Carly! And feel good knowing there are thousands of girls out there that feel the same way!
Love this post!
– Caley
{justgeorgiapeachy.com}
Thanks for this post! I'm glad to know someone else feels the same way I do. 23 is a rough year, but it's refreshing hearing from the perspective of someone my age who is level-headed about dating instead of obsessed with settling down.
Absolutely needed this right now. Thank you!
So, was this "someone" Fred Castleberry???
I absolutely loved this post! I totally agree that society tells girls that they should have a significant other, and that they need one as well. But I think women have realized that we can support ourselves and have completely fulfilled lives without having husbands. Thanks, Carly!
Brooke
Honestly, from my perspective, I'm a little jealous of you! (and other single women).
I can't remember a span of more than a month or so in which I wasn't either dating or otherwise involved with someone. I never lived on my own, and I've never really done the drinksafterwork thing.
A few of my oldest friends were just joking about how its surprising we're all married (two of us are 24, one is 27), when none of us ever really 'prioritized' relationships/family aspirations.
Unsolicited advice: don't feel pressured to do one thing or the other. If it's going to happen it will (I think I was tricked, personally, because I still have no idea how I ended up married). I think I would be just as happy and fulfilled single, and often wish I had been for longer! Oh, and as Lady Gaga said: "If you're ever torn between a man and a career, remember that your career won't wake up one morning and tell you it doesn't love you anymore".
~Megan
I just wanted to share this with you and your 20 something readers….It's great..
http://on.ted.com/Jay
Great post. It is so tough to prioritize dating when you work full time, have a social life, and want to actually sleep/have me time/run errands. HA! I am so tired by the time I get home. The last thing I want to do is go out to a noisy bar. You should try Grouper if you decide to get back into dating. 3 single friends set up with another group of 3 single friends. I think it started in New York actually but it's in a bunch of cities now.
Your journey of life takes you to many places. Enjoy your ride 🙂
I second grouper! Such a fun, low key way to meet people, during the week at cool places with no pressure. I've been on 3 and although none have resulted in dating yet it's been a blast
Very good post! I will echo some of the others here and add my own two cents. There is nothing as rewarding as being in a truly great relationship! However, I don't think it can be sought out, I've watched my dating friends struggle and only when they relax, let go, stay open but focus on living do they meet the "right" someone. When you meet him you know it, something is very very different. It's scary but wonderful and it will actually work out. I know that will happen for you, but patience and a great attitude are key!
Very good post! I will echo some of the others here and add my own two cents. There is nothing as rewarding as being in a truly great relationship! However, I don't think it can be sought out, I've watched my dating friends struggle and only when they relax, let go, stay open but focus on living do they meet the "right" someone. When you meet him you know it, something is very very different. It's scary but wonderful and it will actually work out. I know that will happen for you, but patience and a great attitude are key!
Thank you for writing this post. I completely agree! It is hard when you feel like you should be in something with someone. I recently went to a family reunion and all my cousins are in serious relationships: married or engaged and I am the only one of age that isn't. It was really frustrating because I like the way I am and how my life is. I don't want to be in a relationship because others feel like I need to be. I want it to happen because it happens and that's how life is. So thank you!
Thank you for this!!!!!!!!! So applicable to basically everything going on ever in a 20-something's life. I can't wait to pick up British Vogue tomorrow.
Thank you for this!!!!!!!!! So applicable to basically everything going on ever in a 20-something's life. I can't wait to pick up British Vogue tomorrow.
Amen to everything. Although I do think it is something I want and need to prioritize now-ish because not doing that and wanting it later is built on the wishful thinking that at some magical point in your life it will be easier to date and things will just fall into place, which I don't think is true.