I don’t really have a particular point to this post, other than to try to describe something that’s been on my mind. I have essentially dedicated the last year of my life to being a mom and, as I start to wean Jack, I’m ready to carve out more time for myself again. We haven’t had that much separation from each other, even though I think it’s healthy to do so, for both of us. (The more we’re together the scarier it feels to be apart 😢.)
Anyway… As I’ve been thinking about this particular stage of my life, I have been struck by how wonderful it feels to have a decent amount of security and stability. It’s my favorite part about being in my 30s. I like that I feel established in my career. Even if it’s not something I do forever, I am proud of all the things I’ve accomplished and know I have a ton of skills that could translate into different jobs if I needed to. I like that I know the general area we’re living for, probably, forever. I have moved so frequently in my life that it feels nice to be able to plant actual roots. We’re a young family, but we’re a family.
With that security and stability though, comes a little bit of a lack of flexibility. I can’t just pick up and move somewhere if I want to. I have a husband, a child, two dogs, a mortgage… I can’t even just go to the grocery store without being strategic around nap schedules and childcare. The lack of flexibility in my everyday and big picture life is a little… I don’t know if I’d go as far as saying “annoying” because I do love my life and the stability and security are great… but maybe limiting.
When I think back to my 20s, I had all the flexibility in the world… but that came at a tradeoff. I didn’t have a ton of security or stability. I felt like I had to work extra hard and couldn’t afford to do as many things. Especially in my early 20s when I was living on my own in NYC. The world was my oyster, which could sound exciting from a certain angle, but I found it terrifying. Sure, I could go on a trip without having to run it by anyone. I could go anywhere during the day and run errands when it was most convenient for me. I could spend all day reading if I wanted. Or all day watching Netflix.
On my best days, I would happily give up the flexibility of my 20s for the stability of my 30s…. but sometimes I do daydream about missing that lack of responsibility. But yea, then I think about the stress and pressure I felt trying to figure out ~my future~ and I’m grateful for the stability again.
But really, when I reread a post like this that I wrote nearly a decade ago (nine and a half years!!!!), I can feel the anxiety I felt at the time. 23 and I felt so unsure about it all and I turn 33 in less than a month and I feel just so much more at peace.
I love these types of posts! Thanks so much for saying what’s on your mind! So happy you are more at peace!
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So true. When my kids were young, life was rather limiting, but fulfilling at the same time. I am now in my 40’s and have had the misfortune of going through a period of time that is neither stable or flexible, with my husband going through a serious health issue and many days spent at the hospital. But now, though life may always be a little limited (we will always have to manage these health issues), I have a lot of stability in myself and confidence in what I can handle.
I just turned 46 (!!) and I don’t have children of my own though I’ve been married for 15 years. I was recently thinking about the fact that as we get older we let certain dreams go – and it feels sad. I had to let the dream of a family go as it didn’t happen for us, but I do have a career as a librarian that I love. I distinctly remember that feeling of being 23 and having so much in front of me! As we make choices the possibilities narrow, but at the same time it allows us to carve out new hopes and dreams as we get to know ourselves better. (I think Gretchen Rubin may consider this one of the lessons of adulthood?) I may never be a concert pianist, but I did also pick up the violin at 38. What an adventure!
As a mom to a little boy who is turning 1 in two weeks, this post hit home. There are days when I long for the freedom I used to have, but when I take a step back and reflect on where I am now and everything I have, I wouldn’t trade it.
As someone that is married and child free by choice, I have to say it’s a really nice balance of stability and flexibility that I know is an exchange when kids come along. I’m in my 30s and my husband his 40s, and we both work remotely. We’ve taken time to travel and work from some of our favorite spots around the country and it’s been really freeing. I don’t miss my 20s at all.
As I read this (at age 25) it makes me want to take a step back and enjoy every minute of being young. I find myself looking forward to being a home-owner + married, etc… but this post reminded me to enjoy where I’m at. So, thank you, Carly! x
It’s very different for me bc I don’t have children, but your message in this post really resonates with me. I recently bought my first home with my spouse and feel a little more settled in my career and turn 30 later this year. It feels so nice for the dust to settle. But other times I’ve reflected back on my life at 25 and think hat I miss it. But I realized it’s only the Happy parts I’m remembering, not all the tears about who I wanted to be with, or where I wanted to live, or what I wanted to do with my life. Ultimately, I love getting older and seeing my life calm right before my eyes. I have time to focus more on what I know I want, than having to think about what I want. It’s nice!
I’ve never commented before but I read your blog everyday. I feel the same way, and I have been thinking about it lately as well! My kid turns 2 on Saturday which is wild. Now that she’s not a BABY I feel like we can start adding some spontaneity to our lives but I am on my own at home most of the time since my husband travels for work. So I am feeling a little stuck!! Don’t know where to begin. Just wanted to comment that I feel you!!
Wow do I feel this! We’re younger parents, we had our son at 27, and most of our friends are still getting married or finding where they will settle down. I get a little jealous sometimes of the flexibility that they have to just go on a weekend trip, or stay out later.
But most week nights I get to eat a meal with my husband and son, and spend time outside in our yard with our dog, and I’m pretty at peace with where we are in life.
We have big plans for our 50s haha, so I guess we’re trading a little bit of flexibility now for flexibility then?
Thank you for sharing, I’ve been having some similar thoughts, and this made me feel much less alone.
This post puts exactly into words how I’ve been feeling the last year (since I’ve had my baby). I had been feeling antsy and frustrated with the inflexibility in my job (a regular 9-5) to get all the things I want to get done as a mom. But putting into this perspective helps. Thanks!
I’ve been reading your blog for years and you really exude the energy of having ‘found your place’ in life in recent years. I’m 29, and I agree that the thing I love most about getting older is that sense of stability; having a foundation, knowing where you belong. I know aging is not seen as a positive in our society, especially for women — but honestly, I wouldn’t trade the wisdom I’ve gained in the last few years for anything. You seem at peace, and from one central NJ girl to another: whatever the next step(s) look like for you, we support you!
I love this post, Carly! I’m 24 and feel exactly what you were feeling! Like someone is going to finally catch on that I have no clue what I’m doing! But, it is an exciting time considering all the travel opportunities, learning experiences and overall independence while navigating a post-college (and sort-of COVID) world!
Maybe you can use your time at the pond club to do work? It looks like a beautiful place to catch up on emails and Instagram!
Ah! The dream! I’m always there with jack though and you can’t your eyes off him for a second around the water 👀
I needed this today. I’m 23, currently living on my own in NYC with my first corporate job. I’m very much feeling this lack of stability, and it’s honestly terrifying at times.
Also how on earth did you save 70% of your income in this city at 23???
I basically had two jobs! A full time job and my blog!
Taylor, also when I was 23 I worked in Manhattan and worked two jobs (one full time and one part time), I lived in my parents home in CT and commuted in daily. It was absolutely brutal; at this time I was also applying to PhD programs in the Boston area. I saved every single penny that I could, as did my boyfriend at the time who is now my husband. We had no financial assistance from my parents or his. All that saving allowed us to buy a beautiful home at 30/31 in Boston area and afforded us all this stability we now enjoy in our 30’s. It’s possible.
I highly recommend the Frugalwoods blog, that is what I read and studied *daily* to learn and save.
As a mom to older kids, I can remember feeling that excitement as my babies began growing more independent, and actual time for myself became easier. (I also think the last few years with pandemic and everything else have left everyone a little raw and shell shocked!) But in my life, if has always been an ebb and flow. And now with my oldest approaching preteens, I wish I could go back to our simple afternoons of playing and snacks! It’s all challenging and beautiful. You are smart to take time to appreciate the phases of your life and think about the big picture.
Love this post and feel like I could discuss this topic for hours! I am 34 with an almost 4 year old + 10 month old. I work for myself and feel so grateful for the stability I have and LOVE this stage of life 90% of the time. But feel you on the lack of flexibility MAJORLY!
I love this post!
I am 33 and I feel quite literally the exact same way. My twenties were flexible and enjoyable but nothing compares to the joy of stability in your thirties. I love that we own our home, are solid in our careers and the predictability of life.