Because it’s colder here than Sochi and I think we’re all quite over the weather (snow, thunder snow, ice, etc.), let’s have a little fun with the winter Olympics. Garrett and I were at dinner and he started coming up with hilarious Olympic events… that we all compete on a daily basis here in the city. It’s truly a dog eat dog world out there, so throw on your ugliest grandpa cardigan you can find and let the games begin.
Event No. 1 // Slush Spray Dodging
(Inspired by true events: Garrett was drenched in dirty gutter slush by a delivery truck on the corner of Madison and 34th.) The rules of this event is to stand as close to the curb as possible and time your jump-back perfectly. Too close to the curb and you might get sloshed by a rogue cab… too far away and you might just get beat by a gutsy tourist. Bonus points for jump-back style, but face disqualification if you end up with slush dripping down your face and clothes.
Event No. 2 // Cab Hailing
Even with an extra fifteen minute buffer, it is next to impossible to hail that cab when you need it. Late for a meeting downtown? Might as well give up now. Medal in this event by having the quickest door-to-door time. Watch out for cab jumpers… Stand your ground and don’t forget your mittens. Tip: bright colored gloves are best for quick cab hails.
Event No. 3 // The 5-Meter Puddle Swim
Be on the alert for unexpected, three feet deep puddles at the corner of every street. This is an event where only the best equipment will suffice. A technique used by the pros? Always test the water by walking heel first. Beware! Jump or leap at your own risk. Immediate disqualification if your socks get wet. Navigate around the puddle and you may just find yourself in the Urban Slopestyle event.
Event No. 4 // The Urban Slopestyle
When sidewalk shovelers and snow plows meet in the middle, you’ll find mini mountainous of layers of old ice, snow, and refrozen slush in your way. If you can manage to clear the snowdrift or slide down with a certain je ne sais quois, you will compete for top rankings and a possible medal.
Event No. 5 // Sidewalk Speed Skating
You’re running late and typically your usual speed-walking would get you there just on time. But with salt-shortages and forgotten corners, you may just slip and slide the whole way down. Remain upright with perfect posture and don’t lose your footing to stay in first place. Points deducted for any body part that hits the ground.
Event No. 6 // Hardwood Floor Curling
Hopefully you have made it back to your apartment in the Olympic West Village with limited injuries. However, we all know you are bound to bring a little bit of the city slush in with you. Use your curling broom or brush (plus a bit of Pine-Sol) to keep your floors salt and dried snow free.
Event No. 7 // Subway Stair Skeleton
We have saved the most dangerous and most daring event for last. (Of course, this one has the highest of ratings considering the expansive crowds that always witness such event.) Subway stairs slick with last night’s ice pose an formidable threat to morning commuters and tourists alike. The trick here is not to keep from falling, but to fall with grace. Headfirst is inevitable, but win the event by falling and recovering with record speed. The first to resume standing position with a straight face, wins.
Any other events you’d like to contribute? 🙂