This post is mostly a reminder to myself and also a way to keep everybody in the loop in terms of how this whole thing is working out for me. It’s not easy… that is a truth.
The truth is that I often feel in over my head. And by in over my head, I mean drowning. It’s been really crazy over here lately. Half a million things in the air and proverbially throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks.
Another truth is that I’m scared. I’m nervous and freaked out and sometimes I don’t believe in myself in the way I know I need to if I want to accomplish my goals. I’m worried that I’m crazy. That I’ve made a mistake. That I might fail. That my dreams are too big and my goals unattainable.
Another truth is that I sometimes feel like a fraud. I’ll get an email or a tweet saying someone wished they had things as together as I do… and I am in awe. Because I certainly don’t. Maybe Instagram makes it look that way, but I feel like a giant mess a lot of the time. I feel like I’m constantly in a battle with my anxiety, my hair and I are always at odds, the clothes in my closet don’t fit right anymore, I’m paranoid about messing something up with my friendships, my apartment has never been more cluttered… My life feels cluttered and I kind of feel out of control more often than not.
The truth is that there are too many things I want to do. Collaborations, projects, and meetings. I know I need focus, but I have the itch to do everything. Why can’t I go to law school and read every book in Barnes & Noble and build a business and travel the world? Yes, life is long… but patience is not one of my strengths.
Another truth is that I worry about my perfectionism. I love how meticulous I can be… how obsessive I can be. I dive head first into things seeking this vision that I have in my head. But more often than not, there’s always something else to be tweaked. It can take forever to finish something because I spend too much time obsessing that it’s “bad.” I worry that without my perfectionism, I won’t produce anything worth anything and with it, I’m frozen in limbo before completion.
BUT, the best truth is that I am overwhelmed (in a good way) by the amount of encouragement and support you all have sent along and passed my way. The sweetest tweets and comments and the emails? Oh, the emails. I spend a lot of time alone working (and even more so now that I’m 100% self-employed)… so getting these emails reminds me that I’m not alone. And I love that. When I’m discouraged and asking myself, “What the eff was I thinking?” (excuse the language, but that is the truth too) is just when I get lifted up by a reader. And I remember.
***
I’m in the process of transitioning into this “new” way of living. I took the weekend pretty much entirely off (lots of time with friends!), so Monday was the first day that I really felt the new routine. Granted, this week is insanely packed with meetings and my poor little feet are just covered in blisters from all the walking. After a few meetings that were kind of disappointing and I found myself back at my desk alone, I had this moment where I thought this was a giant mistake. I was bored and lonely and disappointed. But then I forced my friend to come over to my apartment to work with me because I needed, like, human contact.
And then Tuesday was great. Amazing meetings and a couple of milestones and goals unexpectedly met. Plus time for friends and a long lunch with a good book? I think this can actually work. (Attitude and comfortable shoes are definitely going to be key factors, I can already tell.)
I sent an email to an old friend expressing how I was feeling a bit. She was so supportive, in just the right way. She’s definitely in a similar boat, so it’s great to be able to talk to each other about strategies and routines and celebrating our ups and downs. She just completed writing her past self, current self, and future self letters. I loved the idea and I’m working on doing the same thing. No matter where you are in your life path… or what you’re going through… I encourage you to join me in writing these letters to ourselves! I think it’s an important and enlightening exercise!
Truth: I’m so thankful for your support.
xoxo
PS Is there a website that documents all the coffee shops with wifi? If not, I definitely know my new project.
I'm glad you got a little break and an amazing start with everything! Again congrats on starting this new chapter! 🙂
AJ | TheAJMinute
@TheAJMinute
head to yelp. search for 'coffee shop' in NYC, hit search. a list of filters will appear above the results, and you can select 'free wifi' – boom, done. 🙂
Thank you so much for posting this honest piece. Not only have you encouraged me by reminding me that I'm not the only one who finds it difficult to create a balance between perfection vs. success!
Keep pressing on – it is amazing how we sometimes need to experience these challenging times to really treasure the amazing moments! xx
I'm also a perfectionist; I think the worst part about being a perfectionist is you're happy with the end result for maybe 5 mins, then you're on to thinking "now how can I make this better". Major life changes can be scary at first but in the end it always pays off! I really like the letter idea, it sounds like it would be fun and insightful.
Lauren,
http://atouchofsoutherngrace.blogspot.com/
I'm so thankful that you're sharing your new journey and all the fear and anxiety that comes with it. I've adored your blog since I first discovered it, but now I adore it even more. I feel like you're telling my story, the story of so many young 20something females. I've felt like I was alone in my struggles trying to figure out life post graduation, but now I see that even people who seem like they have it so together sometimes have these same struggles. Thank you for being real and sharing this realness in such a personal way.
Long time reader, first time commenter 🙂
Thank you for sharing your fears. It's seems so scary to admit the doubts we have to ourselves… probably because we want to accomplish our goals so badly. So thank you for being brave and sharing this! Good luck on your journey!
Im still in undergrad and i feel exactly the same way go to law school, have time to read , build a business and travel the world! this is what goes on in my mind every day. I think you are very brave but at the same time you are very smart about everything you do and this will be no different keep up the good work Carly! everything that is worth doing is a bit scary at first! woot woot!
This is something I can relate to, its because I am also doing job at home online. And for me it is really indeed to have a great transitioning period and balance everything. There is a big difference in working at the office and at home. Til now I am still studying it. I like your blog really 🙂
If you need "external" help for keeping track and be organized I recomment Evernote, both the website and the app. It's very simply and doesn't look helpful when you start, but using it constantly really makes the difference for me.
You can read on their website some people that shared how they use it, but it really adapt to you.
Or maybe you already know how to do everything so I'll just give you a big good luck 😀
If you need "external" help for keeping track and be organized I recomment Evernote, both the website and the app. It's very simply and doesn't look helpful when you start, but using it constantly really makes the difference for me.
You can read on their website some people that shared how they use it, but it really adapt to you.
Or maybe you already know how to do everything so I'll just give you a big good luck 😀
Oh man, I think many people are feeling the way you do. I've been to law school already and there's still a million other things I want to do. But a tip – push law school far out of your mind!! 🙂 Perfectionism and competitiveness is rampant in law school, and law school also seems to exaggerate it. I, and many others, actually developed anxiety because of law school. People often have a grand notion of law school and what it brings, but in actuality it is extremely competitive in a bad way and the legal profession is one that overall deals with more anxiety and depression than most other professions. I haven't even mentioned the stress and hours required. I am being a slight debbie downer but I wanted to give you the truth as well! Good luck, things will work out!
My mother always tells me that your fears can drive you to a place of happiness. It's hard as a person that struggles with perfectionism ( I feel you there) to do things that aren't easily perfected. Keep on striving and you will achieve your journey :]
I feel you! Pursuing your "dream", whatever it may be is literally the most frustrating and tear-inducing process (at least for me). It's so hard to trust that everything's going to be OK but there's no point doing something you don't love. You'll get through this!!! We'll be there for you. xx
I can absolutely relate to how you're feeling. Watching that Ted Talk you posted a while back by Amy Cuddy about body language and faking it till you become it really inspired me.
And regarding that free WiFi tracker: the Yelp search and sort features really help, but I'd still be overjoyed if someone did a review site dedicated just to free WiFi, 'cause I like to know if there's a time limit, a password, is it fast/slow, are the seats comfortable, when is it crowded, etc. etc. without having to sort through a bunch of other stuff.
Hang in there girly 🙂 Even though I am still in high school, I totally know how you feel. I honestly always stress out to the point where I lose faith in myself…this morning while sleeping (terrible cold) I had the worst nightmare and I think it is due to all the stress I have put on myself! Don't worry you aren't alone; we are all here for you 🙂
Hunter
http://www.preponabudget.com
you're amazing and you're doing amazing things. Being able to blog full time and live comfortably is actually my dream job and although I'm sure it's not as glamorous as it seems, you are so lucky and such an inspiration. Keep your head up and do great!
kelseyodorczyk.com
I think you should be so proud of yourself for following you dreams (and having such awesome goals for yourself!). You can't go anywhere in life without having a dream to begin with. Plus think about how many people follow your blog and love your ideas, what an awesome accomplishment that is right there. Keep your head up, you're moving in exactly the right direction.
-Alex
http://www.monstermisa.blogspot.com/
Hey there… Just want you to know that the things you are doing and the way you are feeling doesn't only resonate with 20-somethings! I turned 43 on 9/1 (I'm the one who tweeted you about being birthday twins), and as of a month ago, have an empty nest, since my daughter left for college. I am feeling the same things you have so eloquently expressed. I am halfway through PHD coursework, stuck in a job that sounds cool, but is really rather boring and soul-sucking, and searching for what to do in this next chapter: everything! I started a blog (or more accurately, resurrected an old blog – it's amateur, but a start, I guess), but I'm not sure where to go with it, and I have a million projects I want to begin, but with so many, I find myself frozen and unable to do much more than play Candy Crush.
So, I guess, I have no worldly advice like all the fantastic mentors you have found (I love Kate White and am looking forward to the hangout), but I sure understand and sympathize.
http://stacyshouseofoolong.blogspot.com/
If I lived closer, I would love to swoop in and clean up your apartment, help you get organized in one afternoon, fill up your kitchen with healthy and convenient snacks, and do a little fall decorating to help you feel more celebrate-y 🙂 You're doing wonderful things, and know that we're all here cheering you on. And just remember! "The state of your head is the state of your bed" as my grammy used to say- truly, try making your bed up nicely each morning and you might be surprised how it helps you feel more put together. Hang in there, lady. xoxo
You are literally such an inspiration! Best of luck in all that you're working on. I know I will be following you along this journey you're taking.
Also, here is a list of coffee shops with free wifi I found on yelp: http://www.yelp.com/search?find_desc=Coffee+Shops+With+Free+Wifi&find_loc=New+York%2C+NY
Life can be super stressful sometimes, especially when you have a drive to do so much but you've got this! Can't wait to see what's next!
We have all been there, keep up the awesome work and don't sweat the small stuff!
Summer
summermichaela.blogspot.com
We have all been there, keep up the awesome work and don't sweat the small stuff!
Summer
summermichaela.blogspot.com
We have all been there, keep up the awesome work and don't sweat the small stuff!
Summer
summermichaela.blogspot.com
thanks for such an honest, raw, and validating post. it must have been pretty overwhelming to hit publish on this, but i wouldn't be surprised if this becomes one of your most loved posts of all time. for the rest of us on the internet, we look up to the people who seem to have it all together and forget that they're, in fact, human too. you're such a beautiful writer and have already realized so many dreams. soak those feet, eat something yummy, and feel proud of yourself, sugar. you deserve it.
xo nicole
writeslikeagirlblog.com
Its as if you were reading my own thoughts. I can't say I know EXACTLY how you feel because I don't know your life or your situations, but everything you expressed is exactly how I feel myself. Some days are great, some days you feel as if you're drowning. I'm learning to take things day by day and enjoy the ride. When I read posts like this or talk to friends and hear them express the same feelings its comforting knowing I'm not alone. I also find that as I comfort them in their uneasy feelings I'm able to comfort myself. We're all finding our way. You're doing great!
Carly, I'm with you 100%. In college I use to believe and feel like I had everything together. I knew exactly where my life was going because everything was so structured. But now I just feel like I'm in limbo. I have a great career with a good company and amazing benefits, but I feel stuck. And I don't feel like I dress how I use to.
But Friday I was in a car accident (I'm okay!) and it really made me do a reality check on everything. I've always been a fairly organized person, but now I see how much more organized I need to be. And I need to slow down (literally and figuratively), appreciate the little things, read more and just do what makes me happy.
I took your recommendation and ordered Zen and the Art of Happiness. It came in last night and I read the first two chapters. I absolutely love it. 🙂
Just hang in there lady, remember – "Every event that befalls me is absolutely the best possible event that could occur."
<3
carelessly graceful
I needed to read this. I've been feeling the same way lately-going to school full time, starting a new job with more hours, and being far from my boyfriend (who is essentially my support system) have rushed into my life all at once and I'm struggling to find a balance. Last week was also the roughest week I've had this entire year. It felt like everything bad that could have happened, happened. I read a similar post on another blog and was just so relieve to know that I wasn't alone in my desperation, and then you posted this! Personally, things are looking up on my end and I really hope they keep going well for you. Thank you so much for being brave enough to write and publish this post.
Oh girl, I love your vulnerability with this. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, I'm positive of that. <3
Hey, i can also relate to this, even i'm like half the world away from America, (Serbia , ex- Yugoslavia, to be specific ) . I think, all of us students, ambitious and perfectionist , have this roller coaster ride – up-down days eventually. But, just always believe in yourself and your idea's, cuz everything what you do, has a some good reason and reason why that is gonna turn out more than better for you 🙂 I had a hard year also, wanted to work to many things and had a little of time to manage and organize it all, but it all felt in its place, and now i am more than proud and happy doing that 🙂 So, good luck, and enjoy the little things, read books, and have no worries 🙂 Everything is gonna be great 🙂
It's okay to feel overwhelmed, but make sure you take time for yourself, and cleaning your apartment doesn't count. Which I also recommend, if your space is clear it will be easier for your head to be clear too. I recommend Wunderlist if you don't have it. I use it mostly for cleaning my house or when I need to pack for places, but it is great for todo lists in general.
Mana
Fashion and Happy Things
When people say that you "have it together," I don't think they mean your hair or your apartment or your clothes…I think they mean your personality and the fact you have a career and apartment you know exactly what you want because that's quite rare for people in their 20s. Even if you don't feel like you "have it together," if it looks like you have it together then you do.
aclassystateofgrace.blogspot.com
I know you feel overwhelmed, but if it helps, you always look perfect! I wish I had your sense of style, and you have done wonders with a tiny New York apartment. I know it will start to fall together soon!
you're so completely honest.wow. that's all i have to say you to. wow.
Thank you so much for all your inspiration! You're honesty is such an inspiration and a breath of fresh air. Keep up the wonderful work, Carly!!
-AH
http://www.thenauticalprepster.blogspot.com
I thought it was interesting you wrote "life is long" because so many people say life is short! Just a good line that I'd like to ponder for a while and how it relates to my own life. I'm sure many good things are in store for you!
Are you thinking of staying self-employed for a while or are you seeking other job opportunities?
My mother tells me that we spend our twenties wondering what to do and making tons of mistakes, then we spend our thirties paying for our twenties and raising kids, and we spend our forties thankful for our twenties and all the lessons we learned. Being 22 I am starting to see that now, and while I'm frustrated about it…she says there's light a the end of the twenties tunnel unless you get burned out. If it makes you feel any better, the reason I comment constantly how I wish I had things as "together" as you do, is that you handle it well. Stress is as inevitable as bad hair days or messy apartments, but how one handles it shows how "together" we do or do not have things.
Whatever you do, know that you will be amazing at it! You have such a huge community of people that are here to support you!
Love this post!
Life With Kolbi
-Kole
Thank you for having the courage to say how you're really feeling! I honestly connect more with bloggers who share their highs as well as their lows. It's so easy sometimes to just put our successes out on social media, but I think it's refreshing when we can be a little vulnerable and share what's really going on in our lives. brava 🙂
We love you, especially because you provide us with not only entertainment, but knowledge and wisdom. Thank you and keep going!
Your Friend, Jess
Oh girl, the first year post-college is one of the hardest. There is so much pressure to figure everything out, but unfortunately you just have to let life run its course. Relax, try not to be so hard on yourself and know that eventually these times will all make sense. Things really do happen for a reason.
Carly, I can't tell you how inspired I've been by your last few posts. I struggle with SO many of the things that you talk about, and I also want to do everything! I'm really happy that you're doing what you're doing, and I think it's totally normal to question yourself about it. Working from home is hard–I think getting out and working in coffee shops is a GREAT idea. Did you know you can also rent desks and shared workspaces? It's not as cheap as going to Starbucks, but it might be something to consider if you really want that workplace environment.
Thanks so much for sharing how you're feeling — it means a lot to know that you're going through a lot of the same things I am!
I am sososo glad you posted this-I frequently feel the same way, & am constantly getting overwhelmed. I switched jobs recently and as a result my blog, my creative outlet, has suffered deeply, which stresses me out more. I've done a few similar posts on this! The pressure to look put-together for online all the time can be insane, and people think life is much more glamorous than it is in reality. My instagram sure looks a lot prettier than my daily life, too! I frequently hate all the clothes I own, neglect the good things I do that I wish I wore more often, and sometimes am just too damn tired to make an effort.
Thanks again for sharing-it's good to be reminded that it happens to other (succesful!) people, too!
Blonde in this City
You are the reason I began blogging. I cannot thank you enough for continuing to show me that I am capable of accomplishing my goals and blazing my own unique path in my professional life. After 18 months of hard work, my blog continues to grow, and a few partnerships have been realized. Your blog inspires me every day, and I look forward to your advice and stories every day. Keep up the good work! 🙂
I love how honest you are about how you are feeling and what you are dealing with! It makes your posts a lot more relatable and helpful. You have definitely done a great job so far. I've been reading your blog for a while and can tell you are strong enough to accomplish what you want to do in your life. You continuously inspire me to go for what I want for myself.
This post is just what I needed because as I venture into really unknown terrority even though i am still in my senior final semester of undergrad I really have no idea where I am going and not to mention I think i am trying to bite off more than I can chew. But in the end it will be worth it. We all end up where we are supposed to be I believe. And you are one of my inspirations both for blog and my life.