Another truth is that I worry about my perfectionism. I love how meticulous I can be… how obsessive I can be. I dive head first into things seeking this vision that I have in my head. But more often than not, there’s always something else to be tweaked. It can take forever to finish something because I spend too much time obsessing that it’s “bad.” I worry that without my perfectionism, I won’t produce anything worth anything and with it, I’m frozen in limbo before completion.
This post is mostly a reminder to myself and also a way to keep everybody in the loop in terms of how this whole thing is working out for me. It’s not easy… that is a truth.
The truth is that I often feel in over my head. And by in over my head, I mean drowning. It’s been really crazy over here lately. Half a million things in the air and proverbially throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks.
Another truth is that I’m scared. I’m nervous and freaked out and sometimes I don’t believe in myself in the way I know I need to if I want to accomplish my goals. I’m worried that I’m crazy. That I’ve made a mistake. That I might fail. That my dreams are too big and my goals unattainable.
Another truth is that I sometimes feel like a fraud. I’ll get an email or a tweet saying someone wished they had things as together as I do… and I am in awe. Because I certainly don’t. Maybe Instagram makes it look that way, but I feel like a giant mess a lot of the time. I feel like I’m constantly in a battle with my anxiety, my hair and I are always at odds, the clothes in my closet don’t fit right anymore, I’m paranoid about messing something up with my friendships, my apartment has never been more cluttered… My life feels cluttered and I kind of feel out of control more often than not.
The truth is that there are too many things I want to do. Collaborations, projects, and meetings. I know I need focus, but I have the itch to do everything. Why can’t I go to law school and read every book in Barnes & Noble and build a business and travel the world? Yes, life is long… but patience is not one of my strengths.
BUT, the best truth is that I am overwhelmed (in a good way) by the amount of encouragement and support you all have sent along and passed my way. The sweetest tweets and comments and the emails? Oh, the emails. I spend a lot of time alone working (and even more so now that I’m 100% self-employed)… so getting these emails reminds me that I’m not alone. And I love that. When I’m discouraged and asking myself, “What the eff was I thinking?” (excuse the language, but that is the truth too) is just when I get lifted up by a reader. And I remember.
I’m in the process of transitioning into this “new” way of living. I took the weekend pretty much entirely off (lots of time with friends!), so Monday was the first day that I really felt the new routine. Granted, this week is insanely packed with meetings and my poor little feet are just covered in blisters from all the walking. After a few meetings that were kind of disappointing and I found myself back at my desk alone, I had this moment where I thought this was a giant mistake. I was bored and lonely and disappointed. But then I forced my friend to come over to my apartment to work with me because I needed, like, human contact.
And then Tuesday was great. Amazing meetings and a couple of milestones and goals unexpectedly met. Plus time for friends and a long lunch with a good book? I think this can actually work. (Attitude and comfortable shoes are definitely going to be key factors, I can already tell.)
I sent an email to an old friend expressing how I was feeling a bit. She was so supportive, in just the right way. She’s definitely in a similar boat, so it’s great to be able to talk to each other about strategies and routines and celebrating our ups and downs. She just completed writing her past self, current self, and future self letters. I loved the idea and I’m working on doing the same thing. No matter where you are in your life path… or what you’re going through… I encourage you to join me in writing these letters to ourselves! I think it’s an important and enlightening exercise!
Truth: I’m so thankful for your support.
PS Is there a website that documents all the coffee shops with wifi? If not, I definitely know my new project.