I’m going to preface this entire post with a big disclaimer that I love being a mom. I love raising a child and feel like it’s one of the best privileges of my life. Now that we are fully into toddlerhood, though, I think there are elements of motherhood that are more demanding and more all encompassing than infancy.
One thing I’m hyper aware about is trying to still be myself, while also being a mom. It’s so, so easy to get sucked into the vortex of motherhood and lose your identity. Some days I feel it happening and while it’s such a humongous part of my life right now, I need to find time for myself in every day.
For a good 12-18 months, it felt like I had this little baby to care for and he was just along for the ride. Even though he’s only (almost) two, now he is definitely his own person with opinions and needs and wants. It’s more demanding, physically and emotionally, too. Sometimes I just want to crash into bed when he goes to bed and call it a day. But the time between his bedtime and my bedtime is probably when I get the most time for myself.
I saw a TikTok this week that talked about the dichotomy of motherhood. Being happy and sad. Being touched out and feeling lonely. Feeling euphoric and feeling overwhelmed. It’s a whole rollercoaster and so many truths can be true at the same time.
A friend recently texted me saying that she didn’t love motherhood like I loved motherhood. And…. (again…) while I truly do love it and would 100% not change it, there are things I desperately miss about my life before having a baby. I’m a pretty boring person and feel like I had a ton of great experiences in my 20s, so I don’t have a ton of regrets. Like I don’t have a desire to travel abroad a lot and don’t feel like I need to do crazy trips with a toddler in tow. I am grateful for where I am in my career and the foundation I laid for myself there.
What I really miss are the simplest things….
Getting into the car quickly… sitting in the house alone…. having all day to do nothing or to do everything…. working at a 100% capacity.
Feeling relaxed at the beach (or really any body of water)… not feeling guilty for really anything (mom guilt is intense)… making meals out of anything we have in the pantry (cereal? there’s dinner. cheese and crackers and a pickles? basically a lunchable).
I think ultimately it’s the luxury of only having to worry about myself and to have the freedom to be by myself often.
On a positive note though, the loss of freedom and flexibility has given me a much bigger appreciation for when I do get time to work and time to be alone and time to just worry about myself. It’s not that I took it granted before necessarily, I just couldn’t have known what I didn’t know!